When the Boss’s Away…
by No Limit 5
Summary: Rika, Daffy and Porky were just making fun of horrible movies. Then they were beamed to the Satellite of Love to watch horrible movies until their brains rot! Luckily, they can still make fun of them. But what of their detective agency? "VACATION FUN!"
1. Do You Know What a Dramatis Personae is?

NL: Hey, welcome to our story! A story co-written by me, No Limit 5, and Papa T 41!

Papa T: This is gonna be a little spin-off of _Law and Disorder_ based around _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, but with a few unexpected twists! Things are gonna get pretty wild, but first, we have to ask you…

_**Do You Know What a Dramatis Personae is?**_

**The Heart of Gold Detectives**

The Janitor (_Scrubs_) – the company's janitor that has taken the role of leadership as Rika is away.

Bender (_Futurama_) – the company's chef.

Stitch (_Lilo & Stitch_) – Bender's assistant and seeking ways of finding Rika, Daffy and Porky.

John "J.D." Dorian (_Scrubs_) – Eager, young doctor with great hair…and Janitor's favorite prank target.

Arthur Dent (_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_) – A very confused man who wonders why he's there.

Ford Prefect (_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_) – Map-man for the company. Some thinks he's actually an alien.

Trisha "Trillian" McMillan (_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_) – Arthur Dent's would-be girlfriend.

Dr. Perry Cox (_Scrubs_) – JD's begrudging and sarcastic mentor. Has a rivalry with House.

Gregory House (_House_) – A misanthrope doctor. Sounds weird, huh? Has a rivalry with Dr. Cox.

Zaphod Beeblebrox (_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_) – A homeless dude who lives in the company's building and is running to become mayor of the city.

Yakko, Wakko & Dot Warner (_Animaniacs_) – Why ARE they here?

Marvin the Paranoid Android (_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_) – Paranoid robot with the need to point out the obvious at the last second of a case.

Eddie (_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_) – The company's supercomputer. Acts like a happy-go-lucky game show host.

**The Satellite of Love**

Rika Itonami – M.I.A. leader of the Heart of Gold Detectives and one of the three viewers aboard the Satellite of Love.

Daffy Duck (_Looney Tunes_) – M.I.A. member of the Heart of Gold Detectives and one of the three viewers aboard the Satellite of Love.

Porky Pig (_Looney Tunes_) – M.I.A. member of the Heart of Gold Detectives and one of the three viewers aboard the Satellite of Love.

Professor Norton Nimnul (_Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers_) – A mad scientist that sent the trio to the Satellite of Love for his insane film experiments to rule the world.

The Magic Voice (_Mystery Science Theater 3000_) – the voice of the Satellite of Love's computer and general news announcer.

Max (_The Flight of the Navigator_) – the Satellite of Love's brain analyzer. Has a crush on Magic Voice.

C-3PO (_Star Wars_) – Supposed to be a foreign language translator, but has become a slave to everyone.

R2-D2 (_Star Wars_) – 3P0's former partner that currently lives on Earth.

WALL-E (_WALL-E_) – the Satellite of Love's trash disposer and 3PO's new unwilling partner.

Clank (_Ratchet & Clank_) – the Satellite of Love's co-functionality maintainer.

Alpha 5 (_Power Rangers_) – the Satellite of Love's co-functionality maintainer.

Fender (_Robots_) – the Satellite of Love's malfunctioning film projector.

XR (_Buzz Lightyear of Star Command_) – the Professor's robot guard to make sure that the trio is viewing the crappy movies and stays on the Satellite, but generally goofs to allow them to figure out ways to escape.

The Fembot That Looks Like Melissa Joan Hart (_Austin Powers_ movies, I guess?) – TBA

_**--**_

NL: Well, that's our cast!

Papa T: Stay tuned for the first episode!


	2. Welcome to the Satellite of Love!

NL: Hey! Thanks for sticking around for the first chapter! We really appreciate it!

Papa T: So sit back and relax, and get ready to laugh 'til you collapse! Here comes the prologue!

_**Prologue – Welcome to the Satellite of Love!**_

"Sigh…" a fourteen year old girl groaned as she watched a movie known infamously as _Plan 9 from Outer Space_ in her apartment, so bored that she actually said "Sigh." She wore a pair of dark blue jeans, black sneakers, a white t-shirt with blue short sleeves and hood, a pair of black fingerless-gloves, a black belt pack worn backwards, and had tied her hair back into a ponytail with a blue ribbon. "Ed Wood, you've proven your skills with crappy effects once again."

"_Plan 9 from Outer Space_!" a black anthropomorphic duck exclaimed mockingly in a Don LaFontaine-type voice. "ALMOST starring Bela Lugosi!" He wore a red vest with a zipper, a white belt with two holsters each carrying a glowing green nunchaku, and a blue beret.

"I-I-I personally f-f-find it c-culturally s-s-significant, Daffy," a pink anthropomorphic pig said defensively with a stutter or grunt. He wore a green jacket with a zipper and buckled around the waist with an emblem of a rabbit's head on the back and a small black fez rested on top of his head.

"How's that, Porky?" the girl asked.

"S-Simple, Rika," Porky said. "I-It's so t-te-t-t-te-t-bad that i-it m-m-makes other movies good."

"Ha! Good one!" Daffy laughed haughtily.

"You guys mind if I rescue our DVD player of this piece of crap?" Rika smiled.

"Be our guest!" the two Looney Tunes chorused.

Rika got off their couch to her feet, stopped their DVD player, stripped it of the disk and promptly flung the movie out the window. "Man, guys. We should really make a living off riffing crappy movies."

"I-I-If only…" Porky sighed pensively.

"You guys dream too much," Daffy said, rolling his eyes. "That kind of stuff only happens in television shows and crappy fanfiction co-written by two nerds with too much time in their hands!"

Rika and Porky shot looks of askance to you, the reader(s). "We don't have the heart to tell him," she said, and then turned back to the duck. "Hey, why not? Those guys at _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ did it."

"What? You think we're going to – I dunno, get abducted to a ship run by a bunch of robots or something-or-another-s by some mad scientist? HA! Like that's gonna happen!" To much of the trio's surprise, three bright yellow beams of light surrounded each of them.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!**"

_**--**_

"Ugh…" Rika moaned, finally regaining consciousness. "Daffy? Porky?" She took a look good at her surroundings. "Whoa," she whispered in full Keanu Reeves-fashion. She was sitting in bizarre area that was full of shiny and cliché technology one would usually find in a cheesy, low-budget science fiction television series. Seeing that Daffy and Porky were by her side, Rika quickly shook them awake. "Guys, you gotta see this!" But it proved futile as the two were dead asleep and began snoring. Annoyed, Rika pulled a small golden gong from her magic satchel (no, seriously) and rung it with her fist.

Daffy and Porky immediately awoke with widened eyes and heads shaking back and forth rhythmically with the gong. "Who?! What?! Where?! When?!" Daffy babbled, his eyes darting all around. "I'll settle for one: Where the hell are we?!"

"I-I-It's so strang-strang-strang- peculiar," Porky agreed.

Rika then added, "And did you notice that they swapped our clothes for jumpsuits?" She gestured to herself as the trio realized that their highly fashionable outfits have been discarded for revoltingly sickening jumpsuits – Rika's being blue, Daffy's red, and Porky's green.

"Oh, d-d-d-bother," Porky groaned, pulling on one of the cuffs.

"I was better off nude," Daffy grumbled, pulling on the lower half of his jumpsuit.

"EEK!" Rika suddenly screamed.

"W-What is it?!" Porky said, panicking. "A m-monster?! A mass m-murderer?!"

"No, worse!" she said. "Someone must have seen me naked when my clothes were taken for this jumpsuit!" Rika exclaimed melodramatically, hugging herself in fear.

"Ooh…" he sighed, slapping his forehead and allowing it to slide down his face. "W-W-We better f-figure o-o-out where we are," Porky suggested.

Rika nodded. "Yeah." They wandered all through the room, pushing and prodding buttons or pulling and pushing levers for various (and greatly comical) effect. But they just couldn't seem to find any information about where they were. Until Daffy decided to do the obvious thing and look out a window.

"Buh, erg, guys?" Daffy gagged as his pupils shrunk into his corneas and a few feathers struck out of his head.

"What is it, Daffy?" Rika asked, walking over to the window with Porky. She took a look outside. "Gah-erg…"

Porky peeked as well. "Eep."

Space – the Final Frontier. These are the tales of the spacecraft Satellite of Love. Its multiyear mission: to explore strange, old and crappy films, to seek out new ways to keep one from having his or her brain melted from the sheer crappy-ness, to boldly riff bad films where no man has seen before. "We're in space…" Rika whispered in a cool, collected, but obviously frantic one, voice.

Suddenly, a pleasant, calm female voice rang around them. "_Welcome,_" it said. "_You were kidnapped by the nefarious Professor Norton Nimnul and brought aboard the Satellite of Love. I am your computer's voice. You may refer to me as the Magic Voice if you wish. We are currently in orbit around the Earth at 150,000 kilometers. Have a nice and safe day…until you must view a film sent by the Professor._"

It took a long time for Rika, Daffy and Porky to properly register what had happened to them. They all promptly fainted.

_**End of Prologue**_

NL: Oh, crap! Rika, Daffy and Porky have been brought to the Satellite of Love! Sounds like a nice place, but they'll have to keep their brains from melting from bad movies! What will they do?! What will the Heart of Gold Detectives on Earth do?! What kind of crazy adventures will they have?! HOW MUCH POPCORN SHOULD THEY EAT?!

Papa T: Hopefully not enough to give them heartburn…anyway, the next chapter's gonna be where the rest of the Heart of Gold detectives discover the shocking truth. How will they handle it? Keep watching to find out! Until then, read and review!

**In loving memory of Don LaFontaine – the Voice of God**

**(August 26, 1940 – September 1, 2008)**


	3. The Janitor Takes Charge

Papa T: And now, let's come back down to earth and see how the rest of the Heart of Gold detective agency handles the mysterious disappearance of Rika…

No Limit: I'm taking a wild guess and saying that they'll handle it well.

_**Chapter 1 – The Janitor Takes Charge**_

"All right, men, this is it," said a tall man in a gray jumpsuit with the word MAINTANCE on the back and nametag that simply read JANITOR boldly.

"Are ya sure she'll say, 'yes' to it, Janitor?" asked a silver, cylindrical robot to the man known only as the Janitor – like Madonna. "What if this bites us all in the asses?"

"Relax, Bender," replied a blue koala-like creature with long floppy ears and deep, black eyes for the Janitor. "Rika's gonna say yes; we're too loyal to her!"

"You got it, Stitch, that's exactly why she'll give us what we want!" said Janitor. "So don't panic."

"You should stick with your own catchphrases, and leave that one to Ford," Bender said disapprovingly, and then drew a determined look. "Let's do it," he said. He boldly knocked on the door to Rika's office in their apartment that hosted their detective company in the city of Cartoontopia.

Silence.

"What gives?" Bender demanded, confused. "Where's the 'come in'?"

"You didn't do it hard enough," Janitor said, rolling his eyes. "Let a HUMAN try it." Bender scowled as the Janitor rapped his fist on the door. The Janitor sent a snide grin to the robot.

Again, silence.

"She's probably deaf." His smile dropped as Bender gave a loud "HA!"

"Ergh…let Stitch try it!" Stitch barked as he came up to the door. He knocked on the door…hard. So hard, in fact, that his fist actually broke through the shiny, waxed wood of the door. "Whoops," Stitch gulped nervously with a toothy grin.

Janitor only smiled. "Well, at least that got her attention," he quipped. As Stitch pulled out his paw of the splintery hole, Janitor swung open the door while wearing a cheerful look on his face. "Yo, Boss-Lady!" he said. "The boys and I are here on an important matter that could possibly determine the fate of this company as you or I will know it. We're looking for a raise in our pay, so would you…" Janitor stopped dead in his tracks when he finally came to realize…Rika wasn't in her office. Neither was Daffy or Porky, for that matter. All there were inside the room were three desks with various objects on each one (Rika's had a mess of papers and a photograph of her family, Porky's had a neat stack of books and pencils in a can, and Daffy's…we'd rather no go into that), a couple of seats, and a water cooler that immediately went GULP!

"Rika?" Stitch called timidly.

"N-n-no," Bender stammered nervously. "She c-c-can't be gone! We won't get our RAISE without her." Bender threw his head back and howled, "NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

_**WtBiA -- WtBiA -- WtBiA**_

Moments later, the Janitor, Stitch, and Bender had rounded up the rest of the Heart of Gold detectives: John "JD" Dorian, Dr. Gregory House, Dr. Perry Cox, Arthur Dent, Trisha "Trillian" McMillan, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Ford Perfect, Marvin the Paranoid Android, and the Warner Siblings Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. And resting by one of the walls was an imposing computer with various buttons and levers that did numerous functions and screens. Unfortunately, it was programmed with an A.I. that acted like an overeager father who just found out his son made the football team.

"So, I bet you're all wondering why we called you here," Bender said casually.

"If it's to explain why you imitated Darth Vader, let's hear it," growled House, a brilliant doctor but with a limp, cane, and a biting tongue.

"Nah, nah, it's worse than that," Janitor said, waving his arms in front of him. "See, we went to Ms. Itonami's office, and, well…"

"She was gone!!" Stitch wailed.

"Gone?! Oh, no!" JD, a young doctor with great hair still learning medicine, said melodramatically. "Without Rika, the Heart of Gold detectives aren't the same! What'll we do?! HOW WILL WE GO ON?!"

Dr. Cox, a seasoned doctor with a just as cynical outlook on life as House, slapped JD in the back of the head. "Quiet down, Carol," he said.

"Rika's gone?" Trillian; a pretty, smart woman; gasped. "Oh, my goodness…"

"Well, we better throw in the towel," Marvin droned, bringing down the mood of the room even more with his dreary voice.

"Never!" Ford said triumphantly, holding out his own towel. "Never forget, ALWAYS bring a towel with you!"

"I meant we should give up," Marvin corrected. "Gods, just strike me down now. Brain the size of the planet and they got me working in a detective agency of a fanfiction. Douglas, why have you left us so soon?"

"Eh, we might as well give it up," Arthur shrugged. "I dunno why I'm here anyway."

"Don't give up, folks!" came a voice from nowhere. "We can still keep the Heart of Gold detectives together! All we need to do is pick up where Rika left off!"

"I dunno how that'll help us," said Zaphod; a homeless, good-looking man running for mayor of Cartoontopia, "but Eddie's right. We can't just break up the team! Rika wouldn't allow it! And neither will my agent! Working for a piss-poor detective agency is good publicity!"

"Ih, yeah!" Stitch nodded. "So we'll just take up the job while we look for her!"

"And I'LL take charge of the company while Rika's away!" Janitor said proudly.

Dot, a whacky cartoon character along with her brothers that like tormenting folks, frowned at this. "Why not have a lady take the reigns, Janitor?" she asked.

"Ahhh…" Yakko began to say, holding a hand up in protest.

"For a few reasons, little missy," Janitor said matter-of-factly. "One: because Rika trusts me. And two: because I'm No Limit's number one favorite character."

"And I thought we were the only ones who broke the fourth wall," Yakko muttered to the crowd.

"But it's MOSTLY because Rika trusts me," Janitor said proudly. "Any objections?"

"Hold on a second," Arthur said. "Aren't we jumping to conclusions too soon? I mean, did you try to find a note left behind by Rika or some sort of clue to her leaving? Maybe she just went to the park…" Arthur's comments fell to deaf ears. "Oh, go suck on a straw, the lot of ya."

"So, who's with me?" the Janitor said, totally ignoring the pajama-wearing man.

The room fell dead silent. Then Dr. Cox spoke up, "You're not gonna stick with the detective business, are you?"

"Nope," Janitor said simply with a grin.

Dr. Cox shrugged. "I thought as much," he said.

"Hey, wait a second," JD piped up. "Shouldn't we tell Sora and Kairi about this?"

"Apparently, you didn't see how worried Kairi got in _Tales of the Unknown War_," Wakko deadpanned.

"The pup may be talking nonsense," House said sternly as he spun his cane slowly, "but he's right about one thing: if Rika's folks ever got word of this, they'd call the National Guard and turn this whole town upside down looking for her. We can't risk telling them about the kid disappearing."

"For once, I agree with the druggie," Dr. Cox nodded. "Let's all agree that we don't tell Sora and Kairi about this AT ALL."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Janitor said uncaringly. "Now c'mon, let's get on with my initiation!"

"Impatient, aren't we?" Trillian asked with a raised eyebrow.

Wakko took a book from nowhere and held it in front of Janitor. "Do you swear?" he asked.

"Why, yes I do," Janitor said with a smile.

"Well, ya shouldn't; it's not nice," Wakko said, pulling the book away from him.

"For God's sake, get on with it!" Arthur snapped.

"Hold onto your pajamas, Dent, we got it," Yakko said with a grin. Then, he replaced House's cane with a candy one and motioned to Janitor to kneel down. In a kingly manner, Yakko proclaimed, "I, Yakko Warner, by the power vested in me, hereby name Janitor the leader of the Heart of Gold detectives!"

Everyone clapped…some half-heartedly; some like they meant it. "Thank you, thank you," Janitor said, nodding appreciatively. He grinned as he said, "This, is gonna be awesome…"

"Well, we're boned," Bender declared.

_**--**_

"We're dead…" Daffy bemoaned, slamming his head against a table repeatedly.

"D-D-Double dead…" Porky whimpered, allowing a fancy door that slid up and down like from the USS _Enterprise_ to drop against his head continually as he rested on the ground.

"Infinity dead…" Rika bawled, holding a knife to her wrist.

"RIKA!" Daffy and Porky shouted, eyes wide with shock.

"Heh, heh, just screwing with you guys," she grinned as she placed the knife carefully away.

"If only," Daffy muttered to his pig sidekick.

"I-I-I-f I may q-q-quote Yakko…" Porky blew a kiss to you, the reader(s). "G-G-Goodnight, everybody!" Rika didn't look amused.

"'That's All, Folks', would've been better," Daffy mumbled.

Suddenly, a new voice said, "Lady and farm animals?"

"Who's there?" Daffy said, looking all around the room but saw no one. "I'm warning you, I'm skilled in the martial art of Duck-Fu! No relation to kung fu."

"Down here."

The raging duck directed his eyes downward to see a small robot with glowing green parts. "Hey, we've got a robotic butler!" Daffy said as Rika and Porky walked over.

"To correct your idiotic, duck friend here, no. I am not your butler," the robot said, indignant. "My name is Clank, the spacecraft's co-maintenance operator."

"Ah, so you're a janitor," Daffy said.

Clank narrowed his eyes. "No."

Sensing some tension between the two, Rika immediately stepped forward with an awkward smile. "Er, hello! My name is Rika. And these are my friends, Daffy and Porky. What is it that you wanted when you first came in?"

"Oh, yes." Clank cleared his throat…or gears. "The Professor is on the video phone for you three. You'd best hurry there posthaste before he grows upset and decides to deactivate the artificial air."

The trio immediately threw their hands to their individual throats and gulped. "Y-Y-Yes, we better g-g-go," Porky said.

_**--**_

Clank lead Rika, Daffy, and Porky down a doorway to a room with a large plasma flat-screen television hanging from a wall with a numeric keypad beneath it. Clank did a few keystrokes as the screen came on with a picture of stout, bald man with an orange mustache in a white lab coat. "Quick, call Ripley! We've found the world's shortest nerd!" Daffy exclaimed. Annoyed, the professor pushed a button and a hidden laser atop of the screen zoomed out, zapped Daffy's head, and set it ablaze; leaving it to burn until it resembled a burnt-up matchstick and disintegrated. "No one can take criticism these days…" Daffy said as his head regenerated but his voice hoarse.

"J-J-Just like f-f-fanfiction writers," Porky agreed.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a cell phone rang. Porky picked up and spoke into it, "H-H-Hello?"

"You don't mean me and NL, do you?" came a teenage voice on the other line.

"N-N-N-of course not, Papa T," Porky said.

"Quiet!" the professor demanded, making Porky drop the phone. "I am Professor Norton Nimnul!"

"Yeah, the Magic Voice already told us that," Rika said but quickly yelped and ducked as the laser fired and the end of her ponytail caught fire.

"Don't you backsass me!" Nimnul snapped, but then grinned cruelly. "But yes. The computer has informed you of my evil plan…"

"Er, she d-d-didn't tel-tel-tel, inform us about that," Porky said as he held up a mirror for the laser, which, surely enough, fired and was reflected away safely.

"My evil plan is to take over the world through use of incredibly awful films!" Nimnul exclaimed exaggeratedly. "I shall broadcast them all over the world, and while everyone views these films as their brains slowly melt into mush, I shall take over! HAHAHAHA!! Well, what do you think?"

Rika, Daffy, Porky and Clank stared at the Professor. "You're an idiot, aren't you?" Rika said.

"Well, there are some flaws, but I'm sure it'll all work out in the end!" Nimnul declared. "And you three shall be my films' test subjects!"

"Aw, come on!" Rika protested. "Can't you just have the robots watch them?" she gestured to Clank, and quickly added to him, "No offence."

"None taken," Clank said.

"Robots don't have brains," Nimnul explained. "I need LIVE subjects!"

"Can you at least tell me how we're supposed to eat, breath, and other science facts?" she frowned.

"Just repeat to yourself, 'It's just a fanfiction, I should really just relax'," Nimnul said.

"S-S-Someone s-should w-write a s-s-song about that," Porky mused.

Nimnul suddenly gasped in horror as his eyes looked off-screen. "What are YOU doing here?!" he gasped at the unimaginable being of pure terror. Surprising the trio and robot operator, Nimnul was suddenly ejected into the air by a pad with a spring underneath it and a crashing sound was heard as bits and pieces of the ceiling's dry wood fell to the ground.

"Er…what just happened?" Daffy asked.

"I'm not too sure…" Clank murmured.

Walking into the screen with a slow walk, a far more insane-looking scientist with wild hair, glasses and a green lab coat grinned maliciously at the trio. "Hello, kiddies!" he greeted.

"Doctor Clayton Forrester!" Clank gasped. "You're back?! I thought you lost your funding!"

"Oh, I did, you robotic James-Bond-wannabe," the doctor said, "but I have regained my funding and I'm back with a vengeance!"

"How'd you get back your funding?"

"Don't ask questions and we'll get along fine," Forrester whispered darkly, but quickly turned happy-go-lucky once again. "Anyway! So you three are the new 'Joel's, eh? That's what we call our film subjects, by the way."

"Er…any chance you're any _nicer_ than Nimnul?" Daffy asked hopefully.

"No. I'm a forty-two times worse. Now go about your business until I need you again!" Forrester cackled manically as he pressed the laser-fire button repeatedly. Rika, Daffy and Porky screamed as they attempted to the dodge the laser blasts when they left the room. "Ooh, ooh, oh… I missed this job."

"Okay, I've been in worse scenarios before, but this is deth-PICABLE!" Daffy wailed.

"P-P-P-Papa T better not pull the same scene in his AntiToons re-r-r-re-r-r-director's cut!" Porky stuttered.

"Never mind that, KEEP DODGING!!" Rika screamed as she flipped out of the way. It was going to be a long stay on the Satellite of Love for the Heart of Gold trio.

_**End of Chapter 1**_

NL: Whoa! What a plot twist that even my co-writer didn't know about! I actually brought back the original mad scientist from the _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ series!

Papa T: …In all honesty, I never saw it coming! Anyway, Wakko's joke about Kairi being worried is a reference to NL's _Tales of the Unknown War_ story, which I highly recommend checking out.

Porky: Is the AntiToons cr-cr-cr-reference a reference to your AntiToons remake?

Papa T: (Smirks) Maybe, maybe not…anyway, please read and review!


	4. The Heart of Gold…Pirate Crew?

_**Chapter 2 – The Heart of Gold…Pirate Crew?**_

The Janitor leaned back into his new chair. He had taken over Rika's office and made it his own; everything that was Rika's was tossed away in a small bin in the corner, while the Janitor's property rested on her desk. Daffy and Porky's desks were roped off with signs reading OFF LIMITS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE…OR UNTIL THE OTHERS COME BACK. "Oh, yeah…THIS is the life," the Janitor said coolly, flipping through a random magazine that featured women with rather scantily clothing.

All of a sudden the door swung open, and JD, Bender, Stitch, and Arthur walked in carrying towering stacks of papers. "All right, Janitor, we've got a lot of cases to cover," JD said as he placed his stack down on the table. "This first one's about Harry Potter's murder; don't ask me who would want that kid dead!" He quietly added to himself, "Now I shall discover the secret location of Hogwarts!"

The Janitor rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Y'know, the detective gig is nice and all, but…" he mused to himself.

"We got a case on Banjo and Kazooie being missing from the gaming community for the last eight years," Bender continued dully.

"It just feels like we should go in a different direction," the Janitor continued as he flipped another page of his dirty magazine.

"I think I got a lead on where Rika and the others went!" Stitch cried, holding up a sheet of facts and random scribbling, hopping up and down.

The Janitor tossed his magazine away as his face lit up with an idea. "I've got it!" he shouted in triumph. "Let's be pirates!"

"And we have one here about Spiderman possibly robbing a bank, but it's probably an exaggeration by the Daily Bu-…. Hang on, WHAT?!" Arthur sputtered, spilling paper everywhere.

"Pirates, dammit, PIRATES!" the Janitor thundered, swinging an enthusiastic arm in Arthur's direction. "We'll hit the high seas! Sail to uncharted worlds in a total NON-_Kingdom Hearts_-like manner! Pillage and ransack! Hook up with some fine, exotic ladies! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life is the life for me!"

"Fine by me!" Bender said excitedly, tossing away his stack of papers, littering it all over the floor. "I LOOOVE pirate movies – even though the last two _Pirates of the Caribbean_ movies got stale. This oughta be a snap!" Bender reached into his chest cabinet and pulled out a pirate hat, which he immediately put on.

"Yaaaargh!" Stitch howled as he hopped onto Bender's shoulders and waved his laser pistols wildly.

JD sighed in annoyance, "You just HAVE to act on the first random, insane impulse that crosses your mind, don't you?"

"You better believe it, Scooter," the Janitor said with a wink. "Oh, and make a comment about Naruto, and you can consider yourself _waxed_."

"Dunno what that means, but…" JD shrugged before putting on a sarcastic expression. "Who are you? Naruto?" He scoffed as he walked out of the room snootily, laughing condescendingly.

"Bite my shiny metal ass, Karen!" Bender shouted as JD left the room.

"That's MY shtick, Rodriguez!" Dr. Cox's voice sounded from the other room.

The Janitor cast his evil eye as JD walked out. "You'll get yours later," he snarled. Then, he turned back to Arthur, Stitch, and Bender. "Well, men, let's get to forming our pirate ship!"

"Hell yes!" Bender hooted, pulling out a bottle of beer, chugging it.

"Eh," Arthur shrugged helplessly. "Got nothing better to do, I suppose."

"Ahh, one issue," Stitch spoke up, holding up one finger. "What're we gonna USE for a pirate ship?"

"Let's steal one from the Crime City Bay!" Bender said deviously, drumming his fingers together sneakily, his eyes shifting left and right.

"Oh, yeah, like we're gonna go steal from a port that's _heavily guarded_," Stitch said sarcastically.

"The little blue freak's got a point, mate," Arthur said. "For all we know, Donkey Kong could be down there guarding the ships; he'll flatten us like pancakes! Or throw some barrels. Which ever."

"Yeah, well, I ain't afraid of no stinkin' gorilla," Bender said courageously. "I'll rip his ass to shreds, and he'll…"

"Boys, boys, no need to argue," the Janitor said matter-of-factly. "I've got a plan all figured out."

"Oh, dear," Arthur sighed. "What's your plan, Janitor?"

The Janitor smirked deviously; he had yet another crazy idea in mind….

_**---**_

"_Boring part of the story starting,_" the Magic Voice intoned smartly, "_in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1._"

Rika hadn't taken to watching horrible movies well, having already hitting the bottle – a Sprite bottle, that is. She despondently lifted the glass bottle to her lips and downed the drink. Although Rika found it cool that the Satellite of Love's kitchen actually had old-fashioned glass soda bottles instead of plastic ones, she felt even that wouldn't make up for the fact that the only way for her to exercise was a giant hamster wheel, which Daffy was currently running in. "This is great for my gloots!" he stated cheerfully.

"Aren't you the least bit worried about your brain melting?" Rika droned miserably.

"Eh, not really," Daffy said, stepping off the wheel, wiping away sweat on his head with a towel. "My superior brain power can withstand any crappy film anyone can dish out – even if it's by Uwe Boll!"

"Oh, God, he sucks hard," Rika groaned.

"H-h-he's like Fry," Porky explained to Rika. "He's oblivi-oblivi-oblivi, ignorant of anything."

Rika snickered as she tossed her bottle in a waste receptacle, but jumped as it came to life and rolled out. Two arms extended out of the sides of the "receptacle", along with a little head that had two light bulbs function as its eyes. "Er, hi," Rika waved to the little robot. It looked up curiously, but also quite frightened by the strangers. It was cube-shaped and was rather filthy, so filthy if fact that Rika almost didn't notice a name on its side. "'WALL-E'," she read. "Your name's WALL-E?" The little robot emitted a noise that sounded like a yelp and nodded. "Oh, don't be afraid! My name's Rika. The duck's Daffy and the pig's Porky."

"I take offense to that!" Daffy said irately.

"S-she meant your n-n-n-n-personal identification," Porky corrected monotonously.

"I know what she meant!" he snapped, standing face-to-face to Porky, elevating his feet to make himself look taller and more intimidating. "I was just…looking before leaping, that's all…"

"Like you d-d-d-don't do that enough?" Porky smirked.

WALL-E fearfully approached Rika. "Come on, little guy," she smiled, lowering herself to the little robot's level, holding out a welcoming hand. "Don't be afraid…" WALL-E was just about to shake Rika's hand, when all of a sudden –

"Hey, what's happening?" Dr. Forrester said, his image suddenly appearing on a formerly off monitor next to the two.

WALL-E yelped, quickly zipping away and out of sight. "Oh, thanks a lot!" Rika growled at the doctor.

"I don't know what I did for you, but you are most welcome!" Forrester said with a wicked grin. "Anyway, have I got a movie for you three today!"

"Please don't let it be _Space Jam_, please don't let it be _Space Jam_, please don't let it be _Space Jam_," Daffy prayed quietly, his eye shut and hands clasped together.

"_Ghost Rider_!" Forrester exclaimed, giggling like a little school girl.

"That isn't too bad," Rika said, shrugging. "It could be worse."

"A-a-are you k-k-k-k-joking me?" Porky frowned. "B-b-bad acting, b-boring fights, c-c-crappy special ef-effects – it'll be d-d-d-a disaster!"

"Precisely!" Forrester grinned manically. "It's perfect for ruining your minds! Although, I COULD always make you watch the live-action _Street Fighter_ movie…"

"Let's just get Nicholas Cage as a cheap imitation of a great Marvel superhero over with…" Daffy moaned, slumping off toward the spacecraft's personal theater. "Boy, do I wish Christian Bale was here…."

_**---**_

"Okay, just a little more to the left men!" the Janitor shouted as he directed something.

"You're forgetting the lady!" Dot shouted as she and her brothers directed whatever it was they were lifting by a crane. It turned out to be a large, solid cube of concrete, and the Warners were trying to get it into an open hole within a giant pirate-like ship.

The Janitor smiled proudly at his latest idea as House limped up to him. "I must say, 'Captain' Janitor," House said with as much sarcasm as he can muster on that one word. "You really outdid yourself this time."

"Ahh, nothing a little Toon logic can't top," the Janitor said proudly. "Who would've thought concrete was so easy to cut through?" The Janitor motioned back to the apartment building – which had a gaping hole cut out where the Heart of Gold Detective Agency once stood.

"Psh, beats me," House shrugged. "Though, there's one thing I've been meaning to ask you."

"And what might that be, my drug-abusing pirate cohort?" the Janitor asked.

"How the hell are you gonna explain this to Maleficent?!" House growled.

The Janitor put a finger to his chin and thought. "Hmm…whatever she doesn't know won't kill her for a third time," he said as the Warners neatly slid in the cube. "Ah! Excellent work, me hearties! Now c'mon, let's get the indoor plumbing reinstalled!" The Janitor dashed off to help the Warners get everything set up.

House shook his head and sighed. "That bitch is gonna have fire coming out her friggin' nostrils when she finds out about this," he said.

"Hey, Dr. House!" called a voice. House turned his head to see a teenaged boy that looked similar to Riku, a green-clad plumber, a green dinosaur, a midget with a mushroom-like head, a brown-haired ten-year-old girl, and a short little boy wearing a white lab coat and glasses walking to him. They were Kuro Higure, Luigi, Yoshi, Toad, Sakura Kinomoto, and Dexter from Ajax's Detectives.

"Well, well, lookee here," House said sarcastically. "If it isn't the Ajax-asses."

"The what?" Toad asked in confusion.

"Hi to you, too, old man," Kuro said sarcastically.

"Dr. House," Dexter said, observing the hole in the apartment building. "Might I inquire as to why there is a large gap where your detective agency was?"

"And where's Rika?" Sakura followed up, curiously looking around. "We haven't seen her for a while."

House sighed heavily. "The kid was abducted by aliens not too long ago," he said simply.

"Waah!" Yoshi yelped as he ducked his head in fear.

"M-m-mama mia! Aliens?!" Luigi stuttered in shock. "That's-a terrible!"

"Yeah!" Kuro said suddenly. "And you guys are gonna go looking for her, right?"

"Not…quite," House said uneasily as he jabbed his thumb over to the ship.

The Ajax detectives stared at the ship in shock for a few moments. "A pirate-a ship?" Luigi blurted out finally.

"How're you going to find Rika in space with a pirate ship?" Toad asked.

"That's the thing," House sighed. "We're not."

"You mean to tell me that you are wasting time building full-scale pirate ships instead of finding your boss?!" Dexter fumed, shaking House by his shirt. "That is not good logic, Doctor!"

Something picked up Dexter by his head; it was the Janitor. "Correction: that is MY logic," he said with a grin, pointing to himself with his thumb.

Dexter crossed his arms as he grumbled, "Of course. Leave it to the Janitor to come up with ludicrous ideas."

"…Yyyeah, Janitor?" Kuro asked uneasily. "Shouldn't you be looking for Rika?"

"Ahh, that can wait," the Janitor said casually, waving a hand dismissively. "For now, though, we're going out on the high seas! You guys wanna come?" The Ajax detectives looked at each other for a moment in thought. House gave them a look that silently said "Run while you still can." Kuro raised his hand to say something before the Janitor said, "Great! I'll be expecting everyone to come aboard in 0-100 hours!" The Janitor gave a military-like salute and marched off to the ship, shouting, "All right, guys, let's get this puppy in the water!"

House massaged his temples as he looked to the six Ajax detectives. "Welcome to the crew," he said sarcastically. "C'mon, let's get on deck before the Janitor gets the wax out." House limped off to the ship, leaving the Ajax detectives looking at each other in confusion.

"'Wax'?" Toad repeated.

"What just-a happened?" Luigi asked.

"Yo-shi," Yoshi shrugged.

"I…don't know," Sakura said, scratching her head. "But maybe this won't be so bad!"

"Oh, you have no idea how bad this is going to be," Marvin the Paranoid Android droned as he walked by with a large amount of luggage.

Dexter sighed. "We may as well hurry along to the ship," he said as he set off.

The others followed Dexter – except for Kuro, who looked up to the sky and said to himself, "We'll find you, Rika…somehow."

_**End of Chapter 2**_

NL: Oh, no! Rika, Daffy and Porky must suffer through the utterly awful movie of _Ghost Rider_!

Papa T: Hey, kicks the crap out of watching the live-action _Street Fighter_ movie.

M. Bison: **OF COURSE!!!**

Papa T: Anyway, while Rika and friends sit through Nicholas Cage with massive heartburn, the Janitor and his crew – with the Ajax Detectives in tow – are out being pirates! Will it lead them to fame and fortune? Or sheer misery? Either way, you'll find out next time!

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